A Lover Letter to Public Bathrooms

Sir! And/or Madam!
Did yo' Mama not teach you
a thing 'bout bathrooms?

Have we as humans
forgot the sacred yet com-
mon courtesy flush?

And with the modern
invention of poo-purri
can't you mask that stank?

Please look at the seat
when you get up, too. Must you
leave it piss covered?

Stop clogging the john
with eight feet of one(ish)-ply
you damn dirty ape.

Does the counter need
puddles? I think not. Germy,
dirty puddles. Gross.

How hard is it to
throw your paper towel in
the friggin' trash, huh?

Chobani Flips

Chobani Yogurt:
I thought you had peaked before,
but these flips! so good.

Seriously, go
to the store now and buy some.
Life changing fo' sho.

Even if they have
Gluten-y shit to flip in,
it's worth is. YOLO.

**but on a non-haiku note: get this shit. The key lime w/graham chracker pieces and mini white chocolate chips is to die for. And the peach/chocolate/pistachio. And the pineapple coconut/hazelnuts/granola. Right MEOW. Go. purchase. you're welcome.**

Jelly Bean Betrayal

Perusing the goods
at my local Trader Joe's
I found jelly beans.

Squee! Gourmet jelly
beans with 18 natural
flavors! Exciting!

I open the box,
peering in I see a sea
of...Wait. Need the key.

Colors. So many.
Indistinguishable from
each other. Of course.

It couldn't end there,
could it, Joe? You must wound me
deeper. Purple bean.

On the box purple's
CLEARLY grape. Or blackberry.
Not liquorice, Jerk.

Tangerine matches
pink grapefruit. Strawberry, cher-
ry, raspberry too

all the same damn hue.
How can I choose my fav'rit
if they are all LIES?

But then you go and
cut me again, Joe. There is
fucking WHEAT in these.

Wheat in jelly beans.
Jelly beans that lie and cheat,
robbing me of joy.

It's fine, Joe, really.
My jelly bean purchases
now? Jelly Belly.

Ode to a Norovirus

Oh! Norovirus.
Why must you torment my guts?
Wishing death comes quick.

Gatorade cut with
Smart Water. Electrolytes
for the win..? I hope.

Sweat. Sweat. Sweat. Sweat. Sweat.
Pillow, neck, hands, and face are
Nuclear Red too.

Nice Try

Tried to be healthy.
Ate quinoa and stir fried veg.
Fucking ravenous.

A Battle with Luna

Seriously, Cat?!
Scratching my face does NOT make
me want to feed you.

No. No. No. NO. NO!
You can not snuggle with me
after face attacks.

Get out, Luna cat.
Shared bathroom time has been sus-
pended. Shoo. Go. Now.

Fine. You can stay but
you can't rub on my legs and
be wicked cute, k?

You had one rule, cat.
One. You purr in the face of
my authority.

First Day with Red Hair

Hair is not Nucle-
ar Red. It's "Devil's Dick Red."
Love you too, Cousin.

Yes, my hair is bright
as fuck red. Please remind me
every five minutes.

"Your hair is...uh...red."
"I'm gonna call you 'Red' now."
So creative, guys.

I get it. It's "cool."
And "edgey." It's not to a-
muse you. I'm just weird.