Chobani Flips

Chobani Yogurt:
I thought you had peaked before,
but these flips! so good.

Seriously, go
to the store now and buy some.
Life changing fo' sho.

Even if they have
Gluten-y shit to flip in,
it's worth is. YOLO.

**but on a non-haiku note: get this shit. The key lime w/graham chracker pieces and mini white chocolate chips is to die for. And the peach/chocolate/pistachio. And the pineapple coconut/hazelnuts/granola. Right MEOW. Go. purchase. you're welcome.**

Jelly Bean Betrayal

Perusing the goods
at my local Trader Joe's
I found jelly beans.

Squee! Gourmet jelly
beans with 18 natural
flavors! Exciting!

I open the box,
peering in I see a sea
of...Wait. Need the key.

Colors. So many.
Indistinguishable from
each other. Of course.

It couldn't end there,
could it, Joe? You must wound me
deeper. Purple bean.

On the box purple's
CLEARLY grape. Or blackberry.
Not liquorice, Jerk.

Tangerine matches
pink grapefruit. Strawberry, cher-
ry, raspberry too

all the same damn hue.
How can I choose my fav'rit
if they are all LIES?

But then you go and
cut me again, Joe. There is
fucking WHEAT in these.

Wheat in jelly beans.
Jelly beans that lie and cheat,
robbing me of joy.

It's fine, Joe, really.
My jelly bean purchases
now? Jelly Belly.

Ode to a Norovirus

Oh! Norovirus.
Why must you torment my guts?
Wishing death comes quick.

Gatorade cut with
Smart Water. Electrolytes
for the win..? I hope.

Sweat. Sweat. Sweat. Sweat. Sweat.
Pillow, neck, hands, and face are
Nuclear Red too.